Your nervous system is always picking up cues, even when your conscious mind hasn’t named them yet. So let your body be your first instrument.

Start by noticing what’s happening in you when you’re with that person. Is your breath shallow? Do you feel tense or fidgety? Are you leaning in – or pulling back?

Next bring curiosity as you notice the other nervous system.

How’s their breathing? Do they seem present, or checked out? Are they making eye contact, or avoiding it? Are they moving fast, speaking fast, freezing up, spacing out, snapping? None of these are “bad” – they’re all just potential clues that someone might be out of their resilience zone.

While being curious, try not to analyze but simply notice and be present with what is happening in their nervous system. Remember, attunement is more important than assessment.

You don’t have to figure someone out to support them. If your own nervous system is regulated enough to stay with them without trying to fix them, you are already doing a lot.

I was nervous preparing for this talk and decided to build a wall in my basement to discharge energy.

When I got frustrated, my husband John tried to help by suggesting solutions, which wasn’t attunement to my emotional state. I snapped at him, triggering his nervous system.

When I started crying and said “I need attunement,” John was able to regulate his own nervous system quickly, put his hands on my kidneys (where stress hormones are produced), and slowed his breathing.

This co-regulation helped me calm down, and we processed the moment completely without leaving anything undigested in our nervous systems.

There is a huge range in sensitivity levels. Physiological changes happen in response to environmental stressors. For example, the amygdala of people who have experienced trauma or stress can become more sensitive and actually grow in size, creating more surface area and faster triggers.

Everyone needs different levels of structure to stay regulated, and attunement involves figuring out what works for each specific nervous system.

It really depends on your nervous system and your unique experiences as to what will be accessible first. For example, traditional talk therapy may not touch traumas that were recorded in the body without cognitive experience. Even meditation can feel threatening when one’s body doesn’t feel safe. Finding people who focus on “being with what is” – noticing and being present with current experiences is essential.

Something helpful is being curious before trying to fix problems. When friends share emotional situations, asking “what’s the hardest part in all of that?” helps them create order in their chaos and provides a path forward.